What do I want for myself?

After thinking more about my last post, I think that I really don't have an excuse to whine about my small, insignificant problems. So everybody doesn't treat me perfectly at work. So what?! Lots of people have it much worse off than I do. I found these two stories of women who have it a lot worse than I could ever imagine. They have come through obsticles of physical, emotional and mental abuse that I couldn't even imagine and they have not let it stop them or overcome them.

It is all in my attitude. I can either let it defeat me or I can push past it, stay determined and believe in myself. I am the only one standing in my way. Its just too hard for me to admit. No one can do it for me. It is up to me how I live my life.

I have to think about where I want my body to be in a year or 5 or 7 years from now. The sugar and junkfood overload that I am currently consuming will catch up to me some day.

A Dangerous Place To Be

I am demoralized at work right now and it is spilling over into my fitness pursuits. What I SHOULD be doing is being successful at my fitness pursuits and having my fitness success spill over into my work! But these words come to mind when I think about work; pointless, futile, useless, wasted, fruitless. The words that SHOULD come to mind should be words like; valuable, meaningful, useful, worthwhile, and helpful.

So what am I talking about? What is the problem? Since I am a civil engineer, I will explain with some “Equations for My Life” :)

woman with brains + 15 years of experience in her field + woman who can stand with the best of them (the boys) – woman who hates confrontations – woman who never planned on being a “trail blazer” = a woman who shrinks back + woman with unrealized potential

And,

woman working in a traditional male profession + woman with lack of self-confidence = Bad combination + getting nowhere + a woman who (doesn't want to) but contributes to negative stereotypes of women

“It” = Prejudice that I shouldn’t be in this profession and that I don’t REALLY know anything.

Coping Mechanism = Pretending “It” doesn’t exist + Ignoring “It”

Pretending “It” doesn’t exist + Being smacked upside the head with “it” unexpectedly = Depressed = Eat

Oh and yes, let’s get lean, ripped and sexy. That ought to help my case!

And so I am in The Dangerous Place To Be

The Dangerous Place to Be = Don’t Care = Ruin Your Health and Jeopardize Your Job

Why don’t I care about eating right and exercising? Why don’t I care about doing a good job at work? I’ve always cared before but I find myself not caring right now. It is a slippery slope, letting things slide here and there. A missed workout, a missed deadline. A half-hearted workout, a half-hearted attempt at a memo for work. I sit alone in my cubical, where what I do doesn’t matter.

I MUST STOP IT, SOMEWAY, SOMEHOW.

Some things I have considered are;
The self-help view: I teach people how to treat me. I have an opinion of myself and that opinion influences/translates into how I am treated and what I will accept or not accept from others. I need to have a better opinion of myself.

A biblical view: God has loved me as a sinner and given me grace. Then I take that grace and love and extend it to others, even when it is hard. I may not always get treated how I expect to be treated. I should be patient with others.

Or another biblical view: God is a just God. He is fair and just. So if it is in my power to act, (to right a wrong, seek justice), I should. I should not remain silent. I am His hands and feet.

Real World = No Easy Answers

I’ll let you know if I figure out any answers as soon as I figure it out.

Wednesday

I feel like I need to update! I have been feeling re-motivated these days! Yeah! I've been feeling more optimistic too. It's nice, let me tell ya.

Monday and Tuesday I ate CLEAN. Today, not so much because I went out to eat, kind of a spur of the moment thing. But I am ready to eat clean tomorrow. I have stuff pre-cooked. And I had great workouts Monday and Tuesday. Today was a rest day.

Regarding my last post, I KNOW there has GOT to be a middle ground where I can be healthy, work on my dreams AND take care of all my responsibilities. I think I just want some magic answer, and there is none in life. It is a balance thing and it is NOT an exact science. And it will probably change from time to time. I think I am afraid of becoming a slave to it. But I have been letting myself off the hook too much and definitely making excuses for myself. I just don't want to admit it. You know, it occured to me that I did 12 weeks with Tony and the world around me did not fall apart, meaning that apparently I was able to eat strict and train and still able to work and take care of my family because nothing fell apart on those fronts.