I Want Out!

I WANT OUT! Of this miserable place of overeating! Ugh. I feel so overstuffed all of the time. But yet, I don't stop. It makes no sense. I'm visiting my parents in Florida for Christmas. I'm excited, but Christmas and vacations always seem to give me migranes. This year I have both Christmas and vacation at the same time. I have a semi-headache, am extemely tired (even though I slept fine) and am nauseaous today. The reason I haven't been writing is I haven't had anything good to say and I hate when I write a post and it sounds like I'm whining! So I haven't written anything. I have literally been waiting for Jan 2nd, the day I start my new diet. It is so wrong/lame I know, waiting until the new year to start. I just want to start already. My stomach is crazy fat! But I know I'll be surrounded with goodies the next couple of weeks.

Some of my goals for next year include;
1) Staying employed!!
2) Staying out of debt!
3) Feed my family healthy food!
4) Change my eating habits FOR GOOD, forever!
5) Turn 40 in the BEST shape of my life!
6) Run some road races for FUN this year! (I've already picked out 3 or 4)
7) Become certified in personal training (just throwing that out there!) Not sure if I want this or not.

Freaky Rash

I had something strange happen to me. Last weekend, I broke out into a rash all over my body. I can't prove it and I didn't go to a doctor but I am thinking that it is from how I have been eating these last few months. I have been eating a lot of crap and I think my body rebelled. I used to joke with my husband that since I started eating "leaner and greener" my body can't handle the junk. I don't think it is a joke. I don't think my body can handle a regualr diet of donuts and ice cream. It just rebelled in a major way! I also started having gall bladder pain. So maybe it isn't just about aesthetics for me. It is going to have to be about health. It freaked me out a little.
So I whipped out my oatmeal, flaxoil and lemon juice! And I cleaned up my diet! I also got the detox headache, although it wasn't too bad because I tried to GRADUALLY clean up my diet rather than just all in one day, whamo. Immediately my gall bladder felt better and after a few days, my rash is gone. Oh, I so need to get back on the wagon! Man, I miss having a trainer.

An Update - Hi Y'all

Yes I'm still here. I like lists so my post will be in list format:)

Diet - What diet? I have officially gained back everything that I lost with Tony. I keep thinking that I want to wait to start again until after the New Year. I know it has to be a lifestyle change and that I shouldn't wait. But it just seems like I know I will mess up too much over the holidays, so why start now? I like the Tony program foodwise, except I wish it was a little less meat. My body responds very well to eating meat, it just gags me sometimes! I just borrowed three neat cookbooks from the library. "The Ultimate Vegetarian Cookbook", "The Good Carb Cookbook, and "Barbecue Bible, Sauces, Rubs and Marinades." I know you are thinking that the first and the last are kind of contradictory. I don't want to eliminate ALL meat, I just don't want to HAVE to eat it at every meal, know what I mean?

Exercise - I am continuing to exercise. I only average 3 to 4 days per week though. Something that I've found works for me is I do "Tony Style" (that is, traditional body building) workouts for 3 weeks and then I do one week of"Turbulence Training" or "full body circuits" style of workout. This works out very nicely because it gives me variety to look forward to every three weeks. This is definitly an exercise pattern I could keep up for life.

General Life - I am thinking a lot about my To Do for Christmas. I am also going on vacation over Christmas. I am having this sense of wanting to "wait until things slow down" to really focus on diet and exercise and getting my body back. BUT I don't think this will EVER happen. If anything, life just gets more busy the older we get. Especially when my kids get to the age where they are involved in lots of activities.

News - I'm so glad the election is OVER. Nuf said.

Work - I had another crappy day at work. Long story short, my boss doesn't give me much work but gives it to someone else instead. Most people would probably like this BUT 1) I need "billable time and 2)I get stuck working on crappy projects that nobody else wants and don't get the "good stuff". (It's like getting picked last in gym class sorta :) ) I figure it is because 1)he doesn't like me, or 2)because I'm a girl and he is more comfortable working with men, or 3)because I don't do good work. I don't think it is the last reason because I get compliments from others on the good work I do. So . . . that leaves the other two. Neither is good. I'm pretty fed up today. I'll probably be in a better mood tomorrow and think it is all in my imagination.

Kids - Nothing big, just the general "I feel like I need to do a better job as a wife and mother" thinking:)

I am still amazed that I actually DID IT on the Tony Plan(lost a lot of fat). And I let it go. I want it back but I want to wait until the first of the year.

I should tell you about my food menu spreadsheet. I post about it next. It has one week of meal on a single sheet of paper. I love to use it for planning my meals. If I can figure out how to post a file, I can post it. It is really cool.

What do I want for myself?

After thinking more about my last post, I think that I really don't have an excuse to whine about my small, insignificant problems. So everybody doesn't treat me perfectly at work. So what?! Lots of people have it much worse off than I do. I found these two stories of women who have it a lot worse than I could ever imagine. They have come through obsticles of physical, emotional and mental abuse that I couldn't even imagine and they have not let it stop them or overcome them.

It is all in my attitude. I can either let it defeat me or I can push past it, stay determined and believe in myself. I am the only one standing in my way. Its just too hard for me to admit. No one can do it for me. It is up to me how I live my life.

I have to think about where I want my body to be in a year or 5 or 7 years from now. The sugar and junkfood overload that I am currently consuming will catch up to me some day.

A Dangerous Place To Be

I am demoralized at work right now and it is spilling over into my fitness pursuits. What I SHOULD be doing is being successful at my fitness pursuits and having my fitness success spill over into my work! But these words come to mind when I think about work; pointless, futile, useless, wasted, fruitless. The words that SHOULD come to mind should be words like; valuable, meaningful, useful, worthwhile, and helpful.

So what am I talking about? What is the problem? Since I am a civil engineer, I will explain with some “Equations for My Life” :)

woman with brains + 15 years of experience in her field + woman who can stand with the best of them (the boys) – woman who hates confrontations – woman who never planned on being a “trail blazer” = a woman who shrinks back + woman with unrealized potential

And,

woman working in a traditional male profession + woman with lack of self-confidence = Bad combination + getting nowhere + a woman who (doesn't want to) but contributes to negative stereotypes of women

“It” = Prejudice that I shouldn’t be in this profession and that I don’t REALLY know anything.

Coping Mechanism = Pretending “It” doesn’t exist + Ignoring “It”

Pretending “It” doesn’t exist + Being smacked upside the head with “it” unexpectedly = Depressed = Eat

Oh and yes, let’s get lean, ripped and sexy. That ought to help my case!

And so I am in The Dangerous Place To Be

The Dangerous Place to Be = Don’t Care = Ruin Your Health and Jeopardize Your Job

Why don’t I care about eating right and exercising? Why don’t I care about doing a good job at work? I’ve always cared before but I find myself not caring right now. It is a slippery slope, letting things slide here and there. A missed workout, a missed deadline. A half-hearted workout, a half-hearted attempt at a memo for work. I sit alone in my cubical, where what I do doesn’t matter.

I MUST STOP IT, SOMEWAY, SOMEHOW.

Some things I have considered are;
The self-help view: I teach people how to treat me. I have an opinion of myself and that opinion influences/translates into how I am treated and what I will accept or not accept from others. I need to have a better opinion of myself.

A biblical view: God has loved me as a sinner and given me grace. Then I take that grace and love and extend it to others, even when it is hard. I may not always get treated how I expect to be treated. I should be patient with others.

Or another biblical view: God is a just God. He is fair and just. So if it is in my power to act, (to right a wrong, seek justice), I should. I should not remain silent. I am His hands and feet.

Real World = No Easy Answers

I’ll let you know if I figure out any answers as soon as I figure it out.

Wednesday

I feel like I need to update! I have been feeling re-motivated these days! Yeah! I've been feeling more optimistic too. It's nice, let me tell ya.

Monday and Tuesday I ate CLEAN. Today, not so much because I went out to eat, kind of a spur of the moment thing. But I am ready to eat clean tomorrow. I have stuff pre-cooked. And I had great workouts Monday and Tuesday. Today was a rest day.

Regarding my last post, I KNOW there has GOT to be a middle ground where I can be healthy, work on my dreams AND take care of all my responsibilities. I think I just want some magic answer, and there is none in life. It is a balance thing and it is NOT an exact science. And it will probably change from time to time. I think I am afraid of becoming a slave to it. But I have been letting myself off the hook too much and definitely making excuses for myself. I just don't want to admit it. You know, it occured to me that I did 12 weeks with Tony and the world around me did not fall apart, meaning that apparently I was able to eat strict and train and still able to work and take care of my family because nothing fell apart on those fronts.

The VALUE of it

I only have a few moments. Just a quick note to let you know where I am at. I am really having a hard time finding the motivation to lose more weight. I can't connect it to a VALUE that I hold high. I mean I don't need to lose weight for the health of it, (I don't have high blood pressure or anything like that). So it is purely an aesthetic thing for me, which seems kind of shallow to me, which demotivates me.

So right now I am not making progress.

But the funny thing is I don't think I want to go back completely to the way I was eating before. I crave lean meat and vegetables more now than I ever did. Tonight I got Burger King for my family but I reheated some leftover lean pork, veges and had an apple and I can honestly say that BK food was NOT appetizing to me AT ALL and my veges tasted DELICIOUS! What's up with that! But then I had some ice cream which ALSO tasted delicious. So you see I still have issues.

I want to get a lean body but I feel so self-centered and superficial sometimes when I'm in the middle of the process of going after it.

OR am I just making excuses for myself so that I don't have to have the discipline. I don't know. . . .

A Strong September

I traditionally have always loved fall. I wanted to get married in the month of September (but facilities dictated we do it in October, which worked too:). Maybe the reason that I like fall is that I feel strong. I'm just coming off of summer where there has been lots of sun, fresh fruits and veges and lots of outdoor activity! And there is also the promise of learning something new with school starting. Even when you are no longer in school, the memory is there. And even though the weather starts to cool off, I can still enjoy being outside well into November.

All that being said, (up until very recently this week) I have not been "feeling the love" so to speak this year about fall. The last two years, it has just been downright depressing. The pool closing, etc. I have NEVER been like that! What is up with that?!

Anyway, I wish I could "get" in the mood for fall. I guess I am just too focused on summer ending rather than fall starting. I also think that part of the reason I am "down" is I have been watching too much damn news!! Ugh! It is sooo depressing. I am declaring a "fast" from the news, no Today show and no evening news! I just can't stand it anymore. Seriously since I've skipped watching the evening news the last few evenings, I AM actually feeling better. Amazing.

P.S. "Tip of the Week"

Keep your tuna in your refridgerator rather than the cupboard. That way, it is already chilled when you want to eat it. I can't believe it has taken me all these YEARS to come up with this idea! :) But my Dad always says, "Better to be a slow learner than a no learner!" Ha.

Tuesday

I wonder if I am going through perimenopause or something. I get hot and then cold and hot and cold. And now, I have cramps but no period (it is due any day now) and that NEVER happens. I hardly get cramps but when I do, it is WITH my period. I am only 38 but it sure seems like something hormonal is happening. My skin is drier than ever, EXCEPT my face and neck, which is more oily than normal (By the end of the day, my hair starts to get greasy from laying on my face and neck). The oily face is bugging the crap out of me. I NEVER had that, even as a teenager. It is like I am going through teenage stage again or something. And my sex drive is UP! (Husband likes that!) All this is driving me crazy. I’m only 38, for goodness sake!

Well I had a good eating day yesterday and today so far. I’m back at it, eating clean and it does feel good! I did a very light workout yesterday because I’ve been fighting a migrane off since Sunday and heavy weight training and migranes DON’T MIX. I finally had to break down and take some medicine for it last night at 1:00 am.

I weighted Monday just to see how bad the damage is. Uh, 116.5. Up from 112.0. That is like a 4.5 gain over like 2 weeks or something. It’s so bad I almost just laughed. Almost. I have no excuse. I feel like I’ve let everyone down in blog land. Here I am giving tips and I can’t even get myself straight.

Sometimes I do wish I could have Tony back. But not for now. Anyway I am home today. There is ice cream in the house. Sigh. I don’t think I will be having any. I’m feeling pretty good and I need to give my body what it deserves, good food, not junk!

P. S. And I am feeling better about my "spiritual crisis" that I was going through! Whew!

Feeling Better

Well I'm feeling better. I'm thinking that it is O.K. for me to ask questions. I debated whether to post that last post but it is my blog so I wrote it!

I am not binge eating anymore. Just normal (but not clean) eating. Which is an improvement, but not really good yet.

So time for another Tip of the Week:

Take 10. Ten minutes, that is. Or 15 or and hour or whatever you feel that you want to do and just focus on being with your loved ones (regardless of their response to you or lack thereof ). In my case, I am specifically referring to when I do this with my kids. I'm so busy yelling at them or bossing them around (clean up your room!) that I need to do more of just being with them. What does this have to do with fitness? Well for me, it gives me permission to just sit down once in a while and just "be" (and enjoy) with my kids. Or just play with them. It helps reduce stress and helps me to not just focus on myself and my fitness goals. Also, (but this is not the main reason I do it) is that I don't feel as bad taking time out for myself to exercise if I know I am making time for them too. Sometimes we get so busy, we need to take (I mean make) time for them too!

My 6 yo daughter just came downstairs where I am typing and said, "Is it time to exercise yet? Cause I'm ready!" Gotta go.

Non Fitness Stuff

I seem to be going through a spiritual crisis.

Regarding trusting God. In relation to trusting God with my most "treasured possessions", which are actually not possessions at all, that is, my family. Also in questioning what is true vs. what is a lie (as in Christianity vs. Islam vs. Judiasm). And questioning the logic of God. You know, the big stuff, heavy stuff. (Leave it to me. Some people have accused me of taking life entirely too seriously. They might just be right, ya think?)

. . . . . . . . which of course leaves me exhausted and with the realization that questioning the logic of God is insane since the odds of me and my human mental capabilities understanding the logic of God are worse than say, ant vs. ocean.

. . . . . . which leads me to the issue of trusting God, having faith and believing even though/if/in spite of I don't "know" everthing.

. . . . . . which is where I started.

It is enough to drive a person crazy!

So I've got nothing to write about on fitness right now because my brain is preoccupied. Seriously preoccupied.

Ah, here is something fitness related;

Except that this spiritual crisis is causing me stress, anxiety, mild depression and occasionally sheer panic.

Which I am coping by using food and eating out of panic. I won't even admit how terrible my eating has been. I saw the term, "Anxiety binge eating" in an ad today. Yep that about sums it up.

This spiritual crisis started out as frustration over unanswered prayer for my unbelieving husband and turned into an issue with me. (my unbelief).

Which is so like God, ya know? "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Matthew 7:5

Finding New Ways to Kill Myself at the Gym

Blame it on the Olympics. All those competitors pushing themselves. The stories of sacrifice. The victory waves as the music plays . . . .

Me: (skipping into the gym)

Yes cardio today. Intervals to be exact.

Here is what I did.

10 minute warmup
30 sec hard, 15 sec recovery, Repeat 20 times.
2 minutes cool down (walk)
5 minutes Steady state cardio
Stretch

The intervals are a 1:1/2 ratio of hard/easy, rather than a 1:1 or 1:2 ratio of hard/easy which a lot of interval work is. I got the idea off of some bodybuilding sites. And it kicked my butt. My face was red at the end and someone in the gym even remarked "Good run, eh?" So I must of looked tired. And Tuesday when I did the workout, I got that "hurt"chest feeling from breathing so hard! I haven't felt that way in a while. I vaguely remember that feeling from my cross country interval training days in high school! AAhh. The memories. Chest hurt. Face beet red. Good Times!

The Scale Lies

I had a good Sunday and Monday. On Sunday, I cooked lots of food. Monday, I stayed on track (even though I was home with a sick child).

The scale is no indication of progress. Remember my goal of 112.0 by this past weekend. Today the scale said 112.0 which should make me happy BUT this is not reflected in my CLOTHES. I have been over-indulging for weeks and my stomach is poofed out and my arms and legs are clearly flabbier. Why is the scale lower? Probably lost muscle (Oh no!) I was definitely LEANER at 113.0. Crazy! I am working on fixing it though. Clean eating today and a good workout.

Have a good day! What can you do in the next 10 minutes that will move you a little closer to your goals? (A Tony quote!) For me, it is "Get to Work!" (I'm at work!) So bye!

P.S. 12 weeks out to my 39th birthday . . . . . . . . sound like a challenge calling? O.K. back to work now, I promise!

Tip of the Week:
Re: Intensity during your workout. Everybody knows that you need to workout with intensity. For the Tony Diva's out there, when you print out your workouts, there is usually several pages, right? If you only HAD to do the first page would you do those exercises a little harder, with more intensity? If you could, then there is room for improvement in your intensity level. If you're not a Tony Diva, basically I am saying when working out, just take it one set at a time and focus only on that set, not your whole workout.

Happy Monday to You

I meant to post this weekend. I didn't make my goal of 112.0 this weekend but it was NO surprise to me because I have not been eating clean. Plain and simple. It doesn't work if you don't do it.

BUT on to better things. I am not giving up. It is hard when you are the ONLY one who really cares if you lose those last 10 pounds or not and that is making it hard for me. At least when I had Tony, I knew there was AT LEAST one other person who cared if I met my goal this week. And it doesn't help that none of my friends are interested in fitness (not even slightly.) It's like I'm interested in basket weaving or something.

So my goals are to make progress. So far, so good today on eating but I need to get my workout done yet today. One kid is home sick, so it has to be an at-home workout rather than gym.

Tip of the Week

The tip for today:

If you make tea using tea bags, don't squeeze the bag after brewing. After seeping, just lift the bag up, let it drip for 1 or 2 seconds (not too long) and then throw away. The tea is less bitter if you don't squeeze the tea bag or let it drip too long.

Bonus tip for the day:
When baking a cake from a mix, just go ahead and mix it right in the baking pan. You don't need to dirty an extra bowl. It still comes out fine.

Now of course I wouldn't know anything about tip No. 2. I mean it is not like I just made a cake yesterday or something:)

Friday is Donut Day at Work

Well I had to stop using Tony due to money reasons. I was happy with Tony and I would recommend him to anyone, but I did not think I could continue forever due to money reasons. So now I am on my own. I am still using his plan. For now, I am rotating exercises and following the meal plan.

I had a very good week Monday through Thursday. Today was OK, not great because I had a donut at work and three, ok, four bites of ice cream tonight after dinner! My workouts have been very good this week. I worked my arms hard today and it felt great! That donut gave me extra energy. My weight is holding steady at 113.0 I want to be 112.5 by Sunday but I may have screwed that up due to the whole donut thing. Oh, well. I am disappointed but not crushed by the whole thing. It did taste good! I want to be 112.0 by next weekend so I have to work it hard the next 8 to 10 days.

Tip of the Week:
Pesto or pizza sauce can be frozen in ice cube trays and can be thawed out (about 1 TBSP at a time) and added to vegetables, chicken, etc. during cooking. I like to add a cube of pesto to my gound turkey when making turkey burgers. Yes it adds some fat but it is the good kind (olive oil, if you buy the authentic italian kind) and it is not a lot of fat and adds a lot of flavor. Pizza sauce is actually pretty good on steamed shrimp and you don't need much.

Feeling better

I feel positive today. I did it before and I can do it again!
Today's positives:

• I worked out for 45 minutes and I pushed it hard. (Total body CRIT)
• I drank a lot of water today. I made it a point to fill up my water bottle and drink it.
• I took my suppliments.

Some negatives:

• I had to cut my workout short due to time limitations and didn't get back to it.
• My third meal I had a cookie.

I need to get my "glycogen stores" depleted in order to lose fat. It seems that is when I see progress in the fat loss department. I know when they are down, when I feel like crap! Just kidding, sort of. When I walk into the gym thinking, "Ugh. Walking up steps is a chore. How am I ever going to workout?" Then I know I am on the right track for fat loss. It's when I carb up on donuts and bound up the steps going into the gym thinking, "Alright! I can't wait to get to it! I feel grrrrrrreat!" Then I'm in trouble. Great workouts but no fat loss.

So that is my plan for the next two days, to trim those starches and "glycogen deplete" so to speak. Then let the fat loss begin!

Sunday

Just popping in. I should be honest. I am not having a good two weeks. My eating has been terrible. If anyone has any words of wisdom, I would love to hear it. I just can't seem to get motivated.

Tuesday

Feeling good today. Weekdays are always SO much easier to stick to clean eating and exercise because I have a regular schedule. This past weekend was chaotic.

Everybody says that you should hang pictures up all over your house of your "ideal body" in order to inspire yourself. This just hasn't worked for me. All it has ever done is discouraged and frustrated me.

Well I was reading about Dara Torres and yes she is ripped. Well I read that she spends several hours a day training and more importantly gets personal massages to help her recover. http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?videoId=3384672&categoryId=3060647&n8pe6c=2 Apparently, given her age, she needs to do "extra" care for her body like frequent massages to help her body repair from her training. Well I think that if you don't have these same "resources"(i.e. time, professional staff, etc.), but you're still trying to get the same results (look like her) then are you SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR FAILURE.

Instead, I personally think that you should visualize personal goals that are meaningful to yourself and not just try and "look like somebody else." I am short, 5' 1" and I know that I will never have a body with a long waist. I just won't so I shouldn't even try. I would never look like Dara. I am just not tall enough to have that long lean look. I find it better to visualize what I think MY body would look like without the extra fat and that helps me more than comparing myself to someone else. Just my 2 cents.

And so my TIP OF THE WEEK is this: Think Long and Hard about what these "ideal body" people do every day to achieve their body (and if it is an athlete, then they do a LOT) and be honest whether you have the same resourses available. Yes you want to reach high, but don't go beating yourself up to the point where you are discouraged, especially if you are not a professional athlete.

Bump, Bump

Blah. I am slowly being derailed from my fast track to my dreambody by myself!

Gail!!!!!

Snap out of it! PUT DOWN THE ICE CREAM! Your blowing up like a puff fish! Poof!! See?

STOP IT!

On another note, I wanted to start writing a "Tip of the Week" So here is today's tip;

Cut up a bag of ready to eat spinach and some sweet onion and put in a zip lock bag and freeze. When making egg whites in the morning, just scoop a handful in the pan and cook long enough just to thaw (about a minute), then add your egg whites and cook as usual. It gives boring egg whites a little flavor.

A Dreambody Diva At the Gym

My gym is close to an army base and there are some army guys and girls that come there to workout.

At the gym today, a lady said to me," You're in the army right?"

I said, "Uh no. I'm not in the army."

She laughed, "Oh, I just assumed you were in the army because you worked out so hard."

For those of you who don't know, I am using Tony DiCostanzo of Dreambodies BTS as my trainer. Yeah, I think he is trying to kill me:)

Update

I guess I should update. I pretty much took a whole week off. I ate whatever while I was on vacation and although I did a lot of walking, I didn't do any formal exercise. Oh, I ate a corn dog for the first time in my life. It wasn't all it's cracked up to be. I'd rather just have the hot dog with bun. We also went to chocolate world in Hershey, PA. Of course there was chocolate. And we went out to eat. And ice cream. Lots.

Well I feel squishy and flabby.

So today I will get back at it. I have 3 good meals in today and I exercised. There is still some remaining chocolate in the house that is making it a little hard for me today. I don't plan on getting on the scale anytime soon. Grilled fish and green beans here I come!

Oh and I'm starting to wonder what "maintenance" will look like once I get to my goal weight. I seem to have trouble with that, I'm either "on" or "way off" my healthy kick. I can't seem to find a happy medium. So I am wondering what that will look like.

9 weeks with my Trainer

Hi Y'all,

I was very happy that I was down another 0.5 lb this week. After 9 weeks I have lost 5 pounds and my measurements are down. I am smaller in the face, arms, bust, stomach, hips and butt. But not evenly. I have lost more in my "extremities" but my stupid middle is still somewhat large.

I have learned that it is a lot harder to lose weight than I thought and I need to be a lot stricter with my diet in order to lose weight. And I have to be fairly uncomfortable to do it. Those people that say, "Yeah. I just cut out my soda everyday and I've lost 10 pounds already." or the "I just cut back on deserts and starting walking and I lost 20 pounds." Well that is NOT me.

I will continue this post later. I've got to go supervise kids in the pool!

"This is as good as it gets"

Standing in the grocery store line yesterday, I was hungry and I wanted something quick to eat. It had been several hours since I had eaten. But I knew that I had one more stop to make, then drive home, unload the groceries out of the car, put away the groceries and clean the kitchen before I could even think about preparing a healthy lunch for myself. Crap. I was really getting hungry and didn't know how I could wait that long to eat. I looked at the candy in the checkout line. It would be so easy to just grap a candy bar. Then I thought to myself, "THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS." Just like the line from the movie.

Meaning, it doesn't get easier. This is what it is like dieting. It is a challenge. There isn't ever going to be a magical time in your life when eating right and exercising is going to be a breeze. I don't mean there won't ever be days when it is easy. Yes there will be days. But, it doesn't get any easier next month, next year, when summer's over, etc. There will always be challenges. So as I am standing in line, fighting that urge to grab junk and take the easier route, I realized this is it. This IS as good as life gets (for dieting, I'm not talking about life in general, just as it relates to dieting here). There is no better time than now. If I think that it will somehow be "easier" tomorrow, I'm wrong.

So what did I do? I bought the candy bar, didn't eat it in the car and took it home. I made my stop, went home, unloaded the car, put the frozen stuff away. Then I ate a piece of fruit and cut up some vegetables and munched on them while I finished putting the groceries away. The fruit and veges were enough to tie me over until I could eat my lunch of fish and spinach. And yes, then I had a PIECE (about 1/4) of the chocolate bar (to add insult to injury, I was PMSing too, craving chocolate all week and wondering why until today:). I consider it not too bad. A partial victory. I could have done better by not eating any of the chocolate but I could have done a lot worse.

Saturdays are hard for me (diet wise) because I dont' have a set schedule like a work day. And I do a lot of running around. And things come up. And temptations on "grocery day" are high. But you know what? Get used to it. It won't be easier to lose the weight tomorrow. There will always be "Saturdays." This is as good as it gets.

Saturday

I want to write something positive. I've been feeling pretty positive lately.

I had a good week last week. THis morning I went a little crazy with breakfast and ate some pancakes, so that was not good for my goals.

Today I plan to stay on track the rest of the day with my eating. I've got food pre-cooked. And exercise. Saturdays, I work out at home instead of at the gym. It is kind of fun to work out at home for a change of pace.

Tomorrow I will weigh in. I hope, hope, hope that my good week will pay off, but I did indulge in pancakes this morning so we will see.

My goal is to be down another 3 pounds by the end of June. I will have to be aggressive to do it.

That's all. Keep plugging away y'all.

Fitting In

Melissa at http://idontneedexcuses.blogspot.com/ wrote a blog about fitting in as a fit mom. Go check it out. It got me fired up!

My response to her post is this;

“I’m over here!” (waving my hand) “Here I am!” I am so with you on this. I am a mom, 38 yo, like to stay active and don’t want to eat junk for every meal (although once in a while a piece of birthday cake or a beer on a holiday, etc seems like a good idea to me). Yet I don’t have a love for competing and I don’t have the desire to put in the time, energy, $ and focus for competing (though I don’t have anything against the women that do.) I feel the same way about training and running a marathon. I don’t want to put the time/effort into doing that either. Ha! ( now a half marathon – maybe). Muslfetish is so right (It has to be something you enjoy and enjoy the process/journey).

Anyway, I get so exasperated and just plain disgusted sometimes, at the negative attitudes of mothers who do not even have the smallest, microscopic level of value for eating healthy and/or being active. I also know about the snide remarks and looks. Apparently it is not politically correct to say anything about being overweight or the overweight’s choice of food, but if you have a BMI of less than 25, apparently one can let the comments fly! Feel free to comment away about what the normal weight person is eating or not eating, doing or not doing. And if you’re extra lean, watch out! It’s even worse. I’m not even that “lean.” My measured bodyfat is around 24 to 26 % but I am short and have naturally “small bones” and not a lot of muscle so I “look” very lean. But I know better. My goal is 20% BF. A reasonable healthy goal but I get the “Why do you want to lose any weight?” comments all the time.

The other thing that perplexes (and sometimes infuriates me) is seeing all the parents out there going to great lengths to spend the $ and the time to put their kids in sports BUT totally neglecting their health. It’s baseball season time now and parents somehow manage to religiously take their kids to practice no matter what. The parents will sit through 2 hour practices, and 3 or 4-hour games, etc. But will refuse to invest 1 hour in their day to keep themselves healthy. Just think what they could accomplish if they put half of that dedication into an exercise plan for themselves. The funny thing is, kids (most anyway) are naturally active when given the opportunity! I watch this all the time. Gather some people together for a meal, reunion, picnic, whatever. How many times do you see the kids break out of the formal sit-down thing and just start running around and/or playing. The parent/adults are the ones that “need” the structured exercise/sports things more than the kids. There is no balance. Everything is very kid-focused. And no, I’m not against kids sports. My kids are in them. But you know what? During their soccer practice last fall, I took many walks around their practice field during practice. I was the only mother who did this, although I did see one man doing some walking.

I don’t have an easy answer for Melissa but I so totally get what she is saying and it got me fired up!

Walk that Line

Well my eating has been OK but not good enough. It seems that for me to lose fat, I need to walk a tight line. Let me explain with a visual. Picture a continuum. On the clear left is disorded eating like anorexia (which I have never had or anything, I am just explaining a concept) where you eat like one grape for breakfast or something. Waaay farther to the right of that is rapid fat loss dieting (where I want to be, where you lose fat at a fairly decent rate), a little farther to the right is slow fat loss, and farther to the right still is maintenance, more to the right is slow gain eating (mass building phases in bodybuilding) and finally to the end of the right is gaining weight fast.

On this continuum, I feel that I am to the right of the rapid fat loss dieting close to the slow fat loss line. I need to eeek it over to the left a little at a time, being careful not to cross that line. When you are doing fat loss at a rapid rate, it's easy to get obsessed or binge/purge and I just don't want that or need that. I saw a study one time where they took just two "normal" people and put them on strict diets and the two people quickly became obsessed with talking and thinking about food all the time. In other words, you can take someone who doesn't really worry about what they eat or don't eat that much, put them on a strict diet and even "normal" people can just go nuts, so to speak.

So I need to "tighten up" my eating, probably only by 150 calories or so is all I need (delete one serving of carbs), to be at the point where I need to be. Only thing is, this place is "teeth gritting"hard for me because I am hungry and I crave carbs and I am lethargic most of the time. So it is a battle for me. For the Divas out there, yes I am on Tony's plan, but he is allowing me some whole grain carb or fruit if I feel like I really need it. So it is kind of my choice. But if I am too "comfortable" (even if it is healthy eating) I don't lose the weight.

Anyway, I've blabbed long enough about that. I had a great workout today, back and cardio. My total workout was 75 minutes! I love the gym on Fridays because nobody is there! And my husband picks up the kids at the sitters so I don't have to. It's just a big party with just me and the weights on Friday night! Ha. Well there was some teenage boys there. They are so funny to watch!

Sunday

I always think of these witty things to write about when I am not at the computer. But then when I am at the computer, I've got nothin'.

Like I thought I could write about the difference between trying to get in shape/lose weight when you are a single 22 yo college student versus a 38 yo mother 9-5-er. But now, it just sounds like I'm whining.

Food was good all day except for stupid 4 animal crackers made it into my mouth. Today was a day off from exercise.

Weather is finally nice!

Need to workout today!

I am exhausted. Probably from my cold.

I'm getting ready to do my workout!

Ahh ZZZZZ

Just wanted to let you know that I slept GREAT last night. And I felt wonderful today and had a good eating day and GREAT workout. See? I told you sleep is crucial for my success. I'm such a wimp for sleep.

Interview with Myself

Hi Y'all,

Yeah it has been a while. So how is it going?

• How is Tony's plan (my trainer)? My experience is it is teeth-gritting hard. Very difficult.
• Have I lost any weight? 2.5 lbs. Yeah! 2 lb was the first week though.
• Where am I going? I will drop two more pounds by June 1st.
• I had pizza today.
• I slept like crap last night and that kills my mental game and TOTALLY screws up my appetite. I never realized how much lack of sleep makes me crazy hungry for junk until today (see previous bullet). I am seeing a pattern. Sleep is Crucial for my success.
• I feel like crap today because I slept like crap last night.
• I like the bullet format.
• I pray I can get some sleep tonight.

Small Victories and Consistency

I have been having some small victories with my eating and exercising. Meaning that I have done a few things right. Today I cooked up some asparagus. I have also been hitting the water hard. Things like that.

I decided to hire Tony DiCostanzo of Dreambodies BTS. I am excited but also nervous about starting with him. I think I will enjoy working with him. I listened to his first radio program with Stacey yesterday! One thing he said that stuck out for me was that you can't change the past but you can change the next 10 or 15 minutes or something to that effect. So after the program I DID change the next 10 or 15 minutes. I walked the dog, pre-cooked my breakfast and got ready for the next day. It turned out to be a very nice evening.

I have had some success in the past but I have these relapses where I basically just "give up." Not just on eating healthy or exercising but on other goals as well. Like one of my goals was to eat a sit-down family meal at least 4x per week at the table. I did very well on this for weeks and weeks and then the last 3 weeks or 4 weeks nothin. It is awful. I actually wonder if I get depressed (as in clinically depressed) and just give up. There is so much to do and not enough time to do it and I mess up so often and forget things and I think my family doesn't care (but then I think they do), so again, "What is the point." I can't garden because I forget to water regularly, I can't stay organized because I don't keep up on filing, etc. I even stopped reading with my daughter on a regular basis over that last several months and now her reading is "below grade level"! See what I mean??

The missing key to my success (in many areas of my life) seems to be a need for consistency. But so far I have not been able to achieve that. It will help to have some help (Tony) because 1) I won't have to plan, analyse and come up with diets / workouts and that will be a relief and 2) It will take some of the pressure off of me. Maybe he can help me with this.

I hope I can do it.

(Now I BET I won't write in this blog for a long, long time because I can't be consistent. It just doesn't seem to be in me!)

Update

OK. Since my last post I have just been coasting along. Well that is not exactly accurate. I have actually been eating a LOT of crap. I guess it is that "all or nothing thinking." Anyway I've thought quite a few times of just trying again to eat healthy. What stops me is I think, "What is the point? I don't look any different and I never get anywhere." So after a lot of thought, I have decided to hire a personal trainer to tell me exactly what to do and exactly what to eat. I resisted this for a long time, cause I like to do my own thang! But I have gotton nowhere. This way, I don't feel like I'm doing it all by myself. Anyway we will see how it goes. I haven't started yet.Lots of other things going on in my life (just the normal routine of life). I sometimes think of writing about other topics besides dieting and exercising because that gets old sometimes! But this is mostly supposed to be a fitness blog! Home with my sick daughter today. There, that is something different.

Blah

I haven't written since weigh in day. I've pretty much not been doing anything as far as eating right and exercising. I've been just eating whatever I feel like it and skipped quite a few workouts.

I usually get very de-motivated when I try to diet and exercise but I don't see the results. I think what is the point?

I am still considering hiring a personal trainer but I have to get my head in the right place and be ready to to the work. It is daunting. I seem so busy with everything I don't know how to fit more in. But I also know that I am probably MORE productive when I am busy.

Right now I am just not sure where I want to go and which way I want to go. My mind just goes in circles.

Weigh in Day

Well I weighed today. I couldn't wait until tomorrow. The suspense was killing me. I am the same weight as when I started 25 days ago. No loss, no gain. Frankly I am really surprised. I thought I would lose at least a pound, but nothing.

Well I am disappointed and of course it is a blow to my motivation. I'm not sure what I want to do. I could continue with my dieting and exercise program that I have now, but do I really want to do that if I see no results. Seems kind of silly. Sweating on a treadmill and hobbling around after a hard leg day with weights and looking in the mirror and seeing no change.

I not sure that I am willing to work any harder than I am right now. I am exercising about 4 hours a week and basically eating NO desserts and trying to eat 5 small balanced meals of protein, fat and carbs per day. Obviously I need to eat less and move more but I really don't have time to exercise more and frankly I felt pretty hungry these last 25 days so I don't think I could eat LESS and still function at my job and take care of my kids etc. So I'm considering resigning myself to the fact that my size and shape is what it is and I should just get used to it. I'm almost 40 and I guess what everybody says about it getting hard to look decent when you're older might me correct. I find it hard to accept because I see other people have success but I really gave it my all for 25 days and nothing! I don't kwow what else I can do.

That's all for now. I'll post again soon.

PMS week

I'm still here. I am having a rough week this week. Mainly I am just more hungry than normal. I think it is PMS. I'm not whining, I am just aware of this problem. I never realized how I really do feel different before my period. Now I am more aware of it. This is a good thing though because when I recognize my extra hungriness, I try not to go overboard with my eating. You know what they say, being aware of the problem is half the battle. I have to admit I have been eating a few extra carbs this week. I don't think I could avoid binging on carbs if I didn't allow myself something. So I allow myself a few extra but healthy carbs to keep my sanity and my strength up.

I have not weighed yet. Next Wednesday I will. I don't know how I will take it if I haven't lost anything. I'm guessing pretty bad! Of course I flip back and forth between feeling like I am making progress and feeling like I am not getting anywhere!

No weighing in for me!

Well, I'm plugging right along, eating healthy and exercising. I think I ate too much today. It was all healthy food but probably too many calories. I was HUNGRY today so I ate. But that is my problem, eating too much. But I only ate healthy food and I never stuffed myself today.

I'm thinking about NOT weighing myself for a while. It's just too discouraging when it doesn't go down. The way I see it, if I put 100% effort into it, that means that I have done EVERYTHING I possible could to succeed. I can't do more than that. If in doing that, I still don't lose those last 10 pounds then really THERE ISN'T ANY MORE I COULD HAVE DONE and I have done all that I can do. That doesn't make me a failure because I worked to my potential.

Eat the Healthy Stuff

How am I feeling today? Hungry but bloated in the belly. Interesting combination. Actually the funny thing is that the only part of my body that I don't like is my stomach. That is where I carry all of my fat. The rest of my body looks pretty decent, actually. But it seems that I can't see the good parts of my body and be happy, only the bad. I really should get a better attitude on that.

I'm feeling pretty strong today as far as my diet resolve goes. I'm eating pretty good. I DO need to add in good food as well as cutting out the junk. Since I eat so much junk, when I take it out, I really dip my calories too low (like Brit man said). Today for instance, I had eaten breakfast, snack and lunch already and it was not yet time for my afternoon snack and I felt completely starving. This was the point in the past where I said just screw it and dove headfirst into a bowl of cereal. But this time I calmly decided that it WAS best for me to eat but I made a healthy chicken wrap (with protein) and it was actually pretty good. After I ate I felt SO much better.

I just feel like I have NO energy and I think the problem may be not eating enough GOOD healthy food. So I will try eating more healthy food.

Let's here it for LISS!

I have a confession to make. I like my LISS (low intensity steady state cardio)! Yeah I said it. I am not a cardio bunny by any means but yes, you will sometimes find me on the treadmill and here's why.

I don't have to think! My mind is ALWAYS going. I have to think at my job, at home and when I weight train (so I don't kill myself), etc. I'm always thinking about what I have to do, where I have to go, what time it is, what we need to buy and how we are going to buy it, what stupid thing I said/did the other day and did I really look that stupid, worrying about my kids, my job, deadlines, things at my kids' school . . . . well you get the idea. With HIIT or weight training, I have to count and concentrate and keep track of what I am doing. With Steady State cardio, other than watching out for the passing car or animal if I am outside, I DONT HAVE TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I AM DOING and that feels GREAT!!!

I can't hack 5 intense workouts a week. My 3 weight training days a week are very intense. I am usually sore the next day. When I do SS cardio at a low intensity, it feels like I am "sneaking" exercise into my body, like my body hardly notices. It's easier on my body. Yes is doesn't burn as many calories as HIIT, but frankly I just couldn't function the other 23 hours of the day if I did 5 hard workouts a week.

The endorphan high or whatever it is that makes me feel RELAXED but ENERGIZED after a SS cardio session. I usually feel relaxed after weight training and HIIT but pretty much drained afterwards. BUT with the lower intensity, I feel like I have something "left over" to finish my day.

On good days, I feel like a kid when I run.

And finally, I have a lot of good memories of my steady state cardio run/walks outside. I remember running along the beach, watching Spring come over several weeks (tree and flowers blooming), smelling all the yummy cooking smells and sweet laundry detergent smells from people's dryers, and many other good (and sometimes adventurous) memories from my runs.

Mostly I just daydream when I'm running/walking. It is truly my time and I love it! So say what you want to say about HIIT. I do HIIT from time to time but don't take away my LISS! :)

It's a GO! on the exercising! SORE TODAY!

I have been working out more consistently the past two weeks. And my eating has been much better.

Today I feel like crap though. It has been a looong time since I did deadlifts at the gym. Well Monday not only did I do them again but I did 6 sets of them and one set was my all time highest weight that I have ever done on deadlifts. Stupid me, thinking that after not doing deadlifts for a long time, I can just waltz back into the gym and pick up where I left off on weights. Ugh. I have ONE WORD.

OW!

I seriously can hardly walk today and it is the second day. My legs are SO SORE. That was NOT very smart of me. Anyway I also had a migrane yesterday. I was wondering if overdoing it in the gym brought it on.

I have really cut back on my food the last four days and it is starting to catch up with me. I feel "hollow" and weak in my body. I think I need more calories.

And as usual, my weight is about the same. I really think I can drop a few pounds though by just watching how much I eat, cutting out the junk and exercising. However today I feel like crap from not eating my normal junk!

A Schedule

O.K. I at least have a schedule now.

BUT . . .

IF I am not successful this time getting things done on my own (which I feel I SHOULD be able to do), I may have to swallow my pride and hire a personal trainer already!!

Kind of Crappy

It has been a crappy week. The last two weeks have been crappy. I am eating horrible. I couldn't make it to the gym because I have stayed late at work every night this week and I get home late. My poor kids have been battling colds/coughs for 2 to 3 weeks now (must be February/March). And my husband has been really busy at work, so he is kind of crabby, leaves early and comes home late. My daughter had some kind of behaviour problem at school this week. She hasn't been getting enough sleep because she just won't settle down and sleep at night.

I need to get on a schedule.

Yes I am still here

Yes I am still here. I have been sick on and off for two weeks and had a migrane for 5 days. My eating has been horrible, totally off plan, not even trying really. So I think I am ballooning up! I need to drag myself back up. I re-started taking BC pills about 4 months ago and my hormones are going crazy. I am craving junk food, depressed, overwhelmed and have been getting migranes every month. So this is all wrecking havoc on my plan to lose this fat! I know it just sounds like a lot of excuses. Actually that is why I haven't been writing, because I don't want to just write that I am failing, yet again and sound like a whiner. But I really wanted to update. So I did. There you go. Not a good update, but an update. I sometimes wish I could hire a trainer/nutritionist to help me but no $ right now for that. Maybe later.

Life Got In The Way This Week

Yes this week, life has got in the way of my focus on myself. I find myself just saying screw it! My daughter was sick, so I was home with her and off my schedule. I find it much harder to eat right when I am home all day rather than at work. I know this is not a good excuse. I need to just work with what I have. Now I am sick and have NO energy to work out. I am taking it easy because I think my body needs the rest. I think I am PMSing because I am super CRAVING chocolate and various carbs! Ugh need I say more.

After two weeks I took measurements and I am up about 0.125 inch in waist measurement and up about a pound so that is not good progress. I am wondering if I need to hire a professional to help me out because I don't seem to be doing very well on my own.

On a off topic, I am SICK OF feeling like a failure because I ONLY get 15 things done out of the 25 things that I have to do everyday. In other words even though I can get some things accomplished, I still am frustrated that I didn't do EVERYTHING!

Working on it

I have been taking a sneak peek at my waist and "pooch" measurements the last two mornings to see if I am making progress. My pooch is smaller and my waist is up and down. My weight is up which is not unexpected. I always gain weight at first when I diet. It's very weird. I'm thinking of not even going by the scale, at least for a little while, just try and get my waist circumference DOWN! That is really what I want anyway.

So I'm not sure if I am making progress. I might be, but I should probably work a little harder. Like I said before, sometimes I feel thinner. But in the evenings I just feel HUGE.

I have been hitting my workouts good. I like playing with my new heart rate monitor. But it confirms what I expected, that I am not working hard or long enough. I am averaging about 200 cal per workout session and this should be a little higher. I am also getting my walking in. I like playing with my pedometer. (All these fun Christmas toys!) But the pedometer also confirms what I thought, that I am not very active. My steps rarely get above 5300 or so.

So for now I am focusing on working out harder and longer and getting my steps in. Now if I could just get a handle on not cheating with the food. I am working on that too.

Feeling Thinner

Well I FEEL thinner!

Can I go with that?

Yeah, I think I will go with that:)

Saturday

One week into my new (renewed) healthy lifestyle. First the basics. I measured my waist and no change there. So I haven't lost any inches. However I feel SO much better physically since I've been eating healthier and EXERCISING.

The difference that I feel when I exercise is AMAZING. I am sleeping better and have a ton more energy and I don't feel like I "can't get enough air." when I breathe. I hope I am able to exercise forever.

There have been a few cheats with my eating but I am doing much better and there has been no binging.

I feel thinner but the numbers don't show it.

Anyway, I plan to have another good week (even better actually). I have no stressful situations in my near future so I should be good to go!