Freaky Rash

I had something strange happen to me. Last weekend, I broke out into a rash all over my body. I can't prove it and I didn't go to a doctor but I am thinking that it is from how I have been eating these last few months. I have been eating a lot of crap and I think my body rebelled. I used to joke with my husband that since I started eating "leaner and greener" my body can't handle the junk. I don't think it is a joke. I don't think my body can handle a regualr diet of donuts and ice cream. It just rebelled in a major way! I also started having gall bladder pain. So maybe it isn't just about aesthetics for me. It is going to have to be about health. It freaked me out a little.
So I whipped out my oatmeal, flaxoil and lemon juice! And I cleaned up my diet! I also got the detox headache, although it wasn't too bad because I tried to GRADUALLY clean up my diet rather than just all in one day, whamo. Immediately my gall bladder felt better and after a few days, my rash is gone. Oh, I so need to get back on the wagon! Man, I miss having a trainer.

An Update - Hi Y'all

Yes I'm still here. I like lists so my post will be in list format:)

Diet - What diet? I have officially gained back everything that I lost with Tony. I keep thinking that I want to wait to start again until after the New Year. I know it has to be a lifestyle change and that I shouldn't wait. But it just seems like I know I will mess up too much over the holidays, so why start now? I like the Tony program foodwise, except I wish it was a little less meat. My body responds very well to eating meat, it just gags me sometimes! I just borrowed three neat cookbooks from the library. "The Ultimate Vegetarian Cookbook", "The Good Carb Cookbook, and "Barbecue Bible, Sauces, Rubs and Marinades." I know you are thinking that the first and the last are kind of contradictory. I don't want to eliminate ALL meat, I just don't want to HAVE to eat it at every meal, know what I mean?

Exercise - I am continuing to exercise. I only average 3 to 4 days per week though. Something that I've found works for me is I do "Tony Style" (that is, traditional body building) workouts for 3 weeks and then I do one week of"Turbulence Training" or "full body circuits" style of workout. This works out very nicely because it gives me variety to look forward to every three weeks. This is definitly an exercise pattern I could keep up for life.

General Life - I am thinking a lot about my To Do for Christmas. I am also going on vacation over Christmas. I am having this sense of wanting to "wait until things slow down" to really focus on diet and exercise and getting my body back. BUT I don't think this will EVER happen. If anything, life just gets more busy the older we get. Especially when my kids get to the age where they are involved in lots of activities.

News - I'm so glad the election is OVER. Nuf said.

Work - I had another crappy day at work. Long story short, my boss doesn't give me much work but gives it to someone else instead. Most people would probably like this BUT 1) I need "billable time and 2)I get stuck working on crappy projects that nobody else wants and don't get the "good stuff". (It's like getting picked last in gym class sorta :) ) I figure it is because 1)he doesn't like me, or 2)because I'm a girl and he is more comfortable working with men, or 3)because I don't do good work. I don't think it is the last reason because I get compliments from others on the good work I do. So . . . that leaves the other two. Neither is good. I'm pretty fed up today. I'll probably be in a better mood tomorrow and think it is all in my imagination.

Kids - Nothing big, just the general "I feel like I need to do a better job as a wife and mother" thinking:)

I am still amazed that I actually DID IT on the Tony Plan(lost a lot of fat). And I let it go. I want it back but I want to wait until the first of the year.

I should tell you about my food menu spreadsheet. I post about it next. It has one week of meal on a single sheet of paper. I love to use it for planning my meals. If I can figure out how to post a file, I can post it. It is really cool.

What do I want for myself?

After thinking more about my last post, I think that I really don't have an excuse to whine about my small, insignificant problems. So everybody doesn't treat me perfectly at work. So what?! Lots of people have it much worse off than I do. I found these two stories of women who have it a lot worse than I could ever imagine. They have come through obsticles of physical, emotional and mental abuse that I couldn't even imagine and they have not let it stop them or overcome them.

It is all in my attitude. I can either let it defeat me or I can push past it, stay determined and believe in myself. I am the only one standing in my way. Its just too hard for me to admit. No one can do it for me. It is up to me how I live my life.

I have to think about where I want my body to be in a year or 5 or 7 years from now. The sugar and junkfood overload that I am currently consuming will catch up to me some day.

A Dangerous Place To Be

I am demoralized at work right now and it is spilling over into my fitness pursuits. What I SHOULD be doing is being successful at my fitness pursuits and having my fitness success spill over into my work! But these words come to mind when I think about work; pointless, futile, useless, wasted, fruitless. The words that SHOULD come to mind should be words like; valuable, meaningful, useful, worthwhile, and helpful.

So what am I talking about? What is the problem? Since I am a civil engineer, I will explain with some “Equations for My Life” :)

woman with brains + 15 years of experience in her field + woman who can stand with the best of them (the boys) – woman who hates confrontations – woman who never planned on being a “trail blazer” = a woman who shrinks back + woman with unrealized potential

And,

woman working in a traditional male profession + woman with lack of self-confidence = Bad combination + getting nowhere + a woman who (doesn't want to) but contributes to negative stereotypes of women

“It” = Prejudice that I shouldn’t be in this profession and that I don’t REALLY know anything.

Coping Mechanism = Pretending “It” doesn’t exist + Ignoring “It”

Pretending “It” doesn’t exist + Being smacked upside the head with “it” unexpectedly = Depressed = Eat

Oh and yes, let’s get lean, ripped and sexy. That ought to help my case!

And so I am in The Dangerous Place To Be

The Dangerous Place to Be = Don’t Care = Ruin Your Health and Jeopardize Your Job

Why don’t I care about eating right and exercising? Why don’t I care about doing a good job at work? I’ve always cared before but I find myself not caring right now. It is a slippery slope, letting things slide here and there. A missed workout, a missed deadline. A half-hearted workout, a half-hearted attempt at a memo for work. I sit alone in my cubical, where what I do doesn’t matter.

I MUST STOP IT, SOMEWAY, SOMEHOW.

Some things I have considered are;
The self-help view: I teach people how to treat me. I have an opinion of myself and that opinion influences/translates into how I am treated and what I will accept or not accept from others. I need to have a better opinion of myself.

A biblical view: God has loved me as a sinner and given me grace. Then I take that grace and love and extend it to others, even when it is hard. I may not always get treated how I expect to be treated. I should be patient with others.

Or another biblical view: God is a just God. He is fair and just. So if it is in my power to act, (to right a wrong, seek justice), I should. I should not remain silent. I am His hands and feet.

Real World = No Easy Answers

I’ll let you know if I figure out any answers as soon as I figure it out.

Wednesday

I feel like I need to update! I have been feeling re-motivated these days! Yeah! I've been feeling more optimistic too. It's nice, let me tell ya.

Monday and Tuesday I ate CLEAN. Today, not so much because I went out to eat, kind of a spur of the moment thing. But I am ready to eat clean tomorrow. I have stuff pre-cooked. And I had great workouts Monday and Tuesday. Today was a rest day.

Regarding my last post, I KNOW there has GOT to be a middle ground where I can be healthy, work on my dreams AND take care of all my responsibilities. I think I just want some magic answer, and there is none in life. It is a balance thing and it is NOT an exact science. And it will probably change from time to time. I think I am afraid of becoming a slave to it. But I have been letting myself off the hook too much and definitely making excuses for myself. I just don't want to admit it. You know, it occured to me that I did 12 weeks with Tony and the world around me did not fall apart, meaning that apparently I was able to eat strict and train and still able to work and take care of my family because nothing fell apart on those fronts.

The VALUE of it

I only have a few moments. Just a quick note to let you know where I am at. I am really having a hard time finding the motivation to lose more weight. I can't connect it to a VALUE that I hold high. I mean I don't need to lose weight for the health of it, (I don't have high blood pressure or anything like that). So it is purely an aesthetic thing for me, which seems kind of shallow to me, which demotivates me.

So right now I am not making progress.

But the funny thing is I don't think I want to go back completely to the way I was eating before. I crave lean meat and vegetables more now than I ever did. Tonight I got Burger King for my family but I reheated some leftover lean pork, veges and had an apple and I can honestly say that BK food was NOT appetizing to me AT ALL and my veges tasted DELICIOUS! What's up with that! But then I had some ice cream which ALSO tasted delicious. So you see I still have issues.

I want to get a lean body but I feel so self-centered and superficial sometimes when I'm in the middle of the process of going after it.

OR am I just making excuses for myself so that I don't have to have the discipline. I don't know. . . .

A Strong September

I traditionally have always loved fall. I wanted to get married in the month of September (but facilities dictated we do it in October, which worked too:). Maybe the reason that I like fall is that I feel strong. I'm just coming off of summer where there has been lots of sun, fresh fruits and veges and lots of outdoor activity! And there is also the promise of learning something new with school starting. Even when you are no longer in school, the memory is there. And even though the weather starts to cool off, I can still enjoy being outside well into November.

All that being said, (up until very recently this week) I have not been "feeling the love" so to speak this year about fall. The last two years, it has just been downright depressing. The pool closing, etc. I have NEVER been like that! What is up with that?!

Anyway, I wish I could "get" in the mood for fall. I guess I am just too focused on summer ending rather than fall starting. I also think that part of the reason I am "down" is I have been watching too much damn news!! Ugh! It is sooo depressing. I am declaring a "fast" from the news, no Today show and no evening news! I just can't stand it anymore. Seriously since I've skipped watching the evening news the last few evenings, I AM actually feeling better. Amazing.

P.S. "Tip of the Week"

Keep your tuna in your refridgerator rather than the cupboard. That way, it is already chilled when you want to eat it. I can't believe it has taken me all these YEARS to come up with this idea! :) But my Dad always says, "Better to be a slow learner than a no learner!" Ha.